Pussy Concealer. As in, for reals.

Pussy Concealer. As in, for Reals.

It started with tummy tucks, facelifts and breast implants. First only available and affordable to the opulent, before eventually becoming the norm for the common American woman. Then came hair extensions, hairless pussies and anal bleaching, followed by labiaplasties, butt implants and now? Concealer… for your pussy. Or rather, “genital cosmetic colorant.” That’s right, ladies — your labia’s hue is all kinds of wrong and it’s about damn time you do something about it. Step in My New Pink Button, a cosmetic dye meant to restore a woman’s “pink.”

Product description via their site:


“My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!”

Finally! All these years watching porn has left my pussy sad and insecure, and now I finally have an over-priced, unnecessary product to capitalize on my fears by telling me my body’s normal progression is not only unfortunate, but unacceptable. Instead, I strongly ought to consider shelling out $29.95 (plus shipping!) for 20 applications in order to make sure my vertical bacon sandwich doesn’t look overcooked and extra crispy.

A wide range of color choices available, the women that make our melting-pot-of-a-nation may selected from the following shades of genital cosmetic colorants: Bettie, Marilyn, Audrey, Ginger and… wait, no. Nevermind. That’s it. Those are the options: 1, 2, 3 and 4. Apparently the women that make our melting-pot-of-a-nation only come in four shades. Hmmm, I wonder what color my Puerto Rican box would be. Is J.Lo a color option?

The product, which comes with 20 disposable applicators, a mixing dish, the labia colorant dye and an instructional guide, is said to be “easy -to-use” and “applies in just one minute.” And just in case any of you worried this product was tested on animals, fear not! No animals were harmed in the creating and researching of this product. Well, none except the prides of our pussies.